Free Indeed

As a believer, forgiveness often seems the hardest thing in our daily walk. I struggle with it continually, but the Lord took me on a journey of forgiveness and revealed that it is one of the easiest things, both asking for it and granting it. Often times, the pride of life stumbles us and we abandon humbleness, which separates us from God (1 John 2:16). Christ came to make us free and in Him we are free indeed (John 8:36), but we must accept it. Sin chains us to a wall like a prisoner, holding us captive, but the work of the cross removes those chains. By His stripes we are healed (Isa. 53:5) and the chains should fall free, but in unforgiveness, it’s as if we grab the chains and hold onto them; in essence holding onto our sin and imprisoning ourselves. 1 John 1:9 tells us that “if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness,” but notice the words “if we confess.” We have to confess them in order to be made clean; and I can speak from experience that it does make us free indeed.

My journey started with me in chains, but I thought it was due to another person’s sin and God revealed that it was mine. My husband made a choice that devastated me and our marriage. He later asked for forgiveness, and I forgave him so we moved on. The problem was things weren’t getting easier, they were getting harder. My heart still hurt, my pride still hurt, and I didn’t know how to get past it. Without any knowledge of my circumstance a friend stopped to see me one day and said that in a marriage the man has to be the leader and in essence “he is the king”. He wasn’t being sarcastic; he meant the Lord establishes the husband as the leader and head of the family. Like we all do, he said, husbands make mistakes and if they do so against their wife, or if the king falls off his throne, the queen is the only one who can restore him. My heart screamed in protest, because I felt like someone needed to restore me. I felt that I was the one wronged so how could I be the one restoring?

For weeks I struggled, I counseled with friends, I prayed, and in the end I was arguing with God because in my mind I objected “But God, what about me! HE needs to restore ME”. It was then that I felt the Lord saying that I was seeking restoration from the wrong person. It wasn’t my husband’s job to restore me, it was God’s. It wasn’t clear to me until another conversation weeks later when I told a friend about my conflict and waited for her to agree with me. She looked at me and said “this might sound trite, but I think your answer is fairly simple, you have to confess your sin to your husband and ask for forgiveness for the entire span of your relationship.” I was stunned, thinking it was impossible, but it was right. Throughout our relationship I had never truly let my husband lead, I had hammered him into decisions I thought were best, I had criticized him for not leading, criticized him when he tried to lead and made him feel like he was inadequate to lead. Though he was responsible for his choices, I had also made some of my own that had not made it easy for him to become the husband that God was trying to make him. All along I thought it was about him and his sin, when it turned out that it was about me and mine.

I prayed for hours for the courage to repent. As I approached my husband with a humble heart and spirit, I spent what seemed like 10 minutes asking forgiveness for anything I could think of that I had done wrong, thoughts, actions, behavior, all came pouring out and it was like a purging of my soul. In the end, I felt freer than I had in years, and without realizing it, somewhere in the middle, I was restored. All along I thought I had to be restored in order to give forgiveness and I came to realize that I had to be forgiven in order to be restored. Forgiveness came easily, my transgressions were removed as far as the east is to the west, and because of that night, my heart is set on forgiveness.

God tells us we must keep short accounts and seek forgiveness before going into His presence in worship. Inasmuch as we must quickly seek forgiveness, we must also quickly grant it, even if it is not asked for. When someone sins against us, the only way to remain free from the burden of hurt, anger, and bitterness is to free the other person from it and restore them, which in turns frees us and restores us to God.

To me, Psalm 139:23-24 is truly the heart of confession. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxieties, and see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.” We must ask God to truly search us and see where there is wickedness in our hearts and then ask Him to lead us in His everlasting way, the way that was made by the cross. It’s not about what other people do, it never will be. It’s about us and our relationship with God and what He finds in our hearts when He searches it.

They say that confession is good for the soul, and it is, because it’s the only way to restoration with the King.

M.

In Christ Alone, I Stand

Two weeks ago we celebrated Good Friday, the day that the Lord went to the Cross in order that we may be saved. The week leading to Good Friday, often referred to as Holy Week, I reflected on the sacrifice and what it meant in my life, but also in the lives of all believers. While it was a sad day, it was an amazing day, because we are free. Free from the bondage of sin, and free to live for Christ. By His stripes we are healed (Isaiah 53:5) and because of what He did for us, we belong to Him (1 John 3:1). This is especially a lovely time because 11 years ago I was saved; at the Saturday night service before Easter Sunday in 1998. As I looked back at my life and where God has brought me since then, all I can do is fall on my knees and weep, because He saved me when I wasn’t worthy of being saved.

I know who I am in Christ, and I know what He has called me to do, follow Him. Whole heartedly, unashamedly, wholly belong to Him, it's what He calls us all to do (Matthew 16:24). I am not sorry for who I am in Christ, I am not sorry for who He has made me, and I am not sorry for the life He has given me. At times I am saddened, because it feels like some of the people closest to me are sorry for the person the Lord has made me. One of the most difficult things to face is the feelings that people who are close to me have no idea who I am or what is in my heart. It may be hard to see that when I talk about the things in His Word, it is because He has put those words there and because my heart wants to see His best in those lives, just as He wants to see His best.

Sometimes as believers we are fervent in the Lord and what we know of His word and we can get overzealous and come across overbearing. But if you spend time with a true follower of Christ then you will see where their heart comes from. Our hearts are not standing in a place of judgment; our intent is not to force our faith on everyone. We do not purpose in our hearts to hurt others, it is a fervent desire to not only see people come to Christ for Salvation, but then return the love that He gives us by living FOR Him ALL of the time. God does not seek halfway Christians; He wants ALL of us ALL of the time. He doesn't want us on Sundays, or before meals, or here and there, or when it is convenient to call ourselves Christians. He wants every minute of our life to be fully, wholly dedicated to Him. If people cannot live that way for Him, then they need to reconsider SAYING they belong to Him because if in our lives He is not Lord of ALL, then He is NOT LORD AT ALL. (Revelation 3:15-16)

There was a time I walked away from the church, and there were many people praying for me to return, and it was only a matter of time before I did. When I returned I gave my life to God, laid it on His alter and told Him that whatever He thought was best, I would be obedient. He took my life with a vengeance and has spent the last several years feeding me, molding me, shaping me, and turning me into the woman that stands here today. Sometimes it seems like those around us want us to be a Christian, but not TOO Christian. They want us to walk with God, but not TOO close, they want to see us witness to others, but not to them. I often wonder if the same words I speak to someone had been told to the same person by a Pastor or an elder with more years of faith if they would be taken any different. We all stand as equals before the Lord, and really in all of our lives, the purpose is to work for His Kingdom to bring as many people to Him as possible, and to encourage those who are believers to a stronger walk with Him.

I have finally landed in a place of comfort and peace in the Lord. I cannot change who I am and I wouldn’t want to. For anyone to ask me to be any different would be like asking me to be who I am not. His words, His life, His passion is so ingrained in me that I don't know any other way to live. I am still a sinner, unclean, and any righteousness I think I have is like filthy rags before Him (Isaiah 64:6), but I can never turn away from who He has made me and who He is continuing to mold me to be. I don't know any other way to live at this point. It would be like asking me to go back to being overweight, it's not who I am, it's not who I want to be, and it's not healthy for me.

I pray for those who often feel a little misunderstood that those who misunderstand can someday truly see who we are in Christ, who He has made us to be and where our hearts lie; with Him alone.

On Good Friday, my heart was heavy, yet uplifted. There were times that I quietly wept in my office because of His love. My heart was heavy because of the fact that God had to die on a cross for me because I am so bad; uplifted because I know He chose to do it because He loves us so much. On that day, it was beautiful to stand with my fellow co-laborers in Christ knowing that I am exactly where God has called me to be. I KNOW without a doubt, no second thoughts, no looking back, that I am 100% in His will for my life, and here I will stand until He moves me.

Living for Him (because I know no other way),
M